Don't Fuck in the Woods 2 Movie Review
Written by Kat Albrecht
Released by Wild Eye Releasing
Directed by Shawn Burkett
Written by Shawn Burkett and Cheyenne Gordon
2022, 81 minutes, Not Rated
Released on October 11th, 2022
Cheyenne Gordon as Gil
Kenzie Phillips as Tasha
Brittany Blanton as Jane
A group of counselors, joined by an ex-con-turned-handy man and the camp nurse, are preparing Pine Hill for a summer of campers. The counselors’ preparation mostly consists of having sex (or trying to) until they are bloodily interrupted by a mysterious parasite.
The title of the film is both extremely accurate and extremely misleading. Don’t Fuck in the Woods 2, directed by Shawn Burkett, is indeed a sequel, has a ‘woods’ in it, and a lot of fucking. However, it is also a surprisingly serious and unfun film. Perhaps more accurately, the movie ought to have been called ‘Don’t Go to the Bathroom in the Woods 2’ (give it a watch and you’ll see what I mean).
Don’t Fuck in the Woods 2 splits its 81-minute runtime fairly evenly between showing a lot of camp counselors having sex and the horror plot, with the first main character kill coming a whopping 38 minutes and 50 seconds into the film. This is without a doubt the hardest thing to watch about this sequel. Now, as a regular watcher of B horror films (and a person who read the title of this film), I was anticipating a significant amount of fucking. The problem here is that all of the characters doing the fucking are unpleasant, uninteresting, or both. The sex scenes are long and graphic, but not subversive or campy or fun. They also do nothing to accelerate any type of plot.
The film rests on a lot of overdone sex tropes without taking them to the level of absurdity required of parody or giving them a new twist. We get a cruel thinner woman who has sex with the hot guy at camp. A slightly less thin woman who feels bad about being ‘fat’ and the hot guy at camp does not want to have sex with her. A slightly less muscular man who is immature and gross that no one wants to have sex with. We get some ‘haha oh my god anal sex’ jokes. The female actors are decidedly more exposed than the male actors in a way I found distasteful. It’s possible some of these things are supposed to be funny or sincere, but they don’t come across that way because the characters are, for the most part, dull and unpleasant. This is not an indictment of the actors, who are convincing in their respective roles, but is more a criticism of the artistic direction of the film. This alone would still not make me fully dislike it but for the problem that the movie doesn’t really do much else. As the first half of Don’t Fuck in the Woods 2 dragged on, I found myself seriously considering just hitting pause and ending this review there.
Ultimately, I am glad I carried on. The latter half of the film is a significant improvement. The film does better when there is more action, principally delivered in the form of parasite-possessed camp counselors running amok. The mechanics of the monsters are pretty inconsistent, but I was happy enough to have some horror in my horror movie that I didn’t really care.
The sequence at the film’s climax, in the lair of the parasitic creature, gives flashes of what this film could have been. There is a decidedly ‘80s vibe, featuring a girl with a chainsaw, a lot of blood, and a wind machine. The energy in this sequence is much higher and there is a real sense of fun. This sense of fun is also present in the post-credit scene and the behind-the-scenes footage included in the credit reel. Reflecting on the parts of the film I did like makes me confident Don’t Fuck in the Woods 2 would have been improved by cutting about 25 of the first 50 minutes and imbuing the entire film with the camp of an ‘80s sci-fi movie.
The actors make the most of what they were given. Cheyenne Gordon gives a strong performance as Gil, who is the most likeable and useful character in the film. Actress Kenzie Phillips (Tasha) delivers on her mean girl dialogue so effectively that I hoped they wouldn’t try to save her. Brittany Blanton (Jane) brings some much-needed energy to the end of the film.
Overall, this film isn’t for me. I like my creature features with a little more creature and a lot more fun. One star for a real effort by the actors, half a star for the fun of the parasite’s lair.
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