Piranhaconda DVD Review
Written by Joel Harley
DVD released by Chelsea Films
Directed by Jim Wynorski
Written by J. Brad Wilke
2011, Region 2 (PAL), 82 minutes, Rated 15 (UK)
DVD released on 7th Jan 2013
Michael Madsen as Prof. Lovegrove
Rachel Hunter as Talia
Shandi Finnessey as Kimmy
Terri Ivens as Rose
Rib Hillis as Jack
Angie Savage as Deb
Michael Madsen, Rachel Hunter and a guy who looks like General Zod hunt something called a Piranhaconda on a series of beautiful looking beaches and lovely jungle walks. This is the paragraph where I'd usually recap the movie's plot, but that's about as far as it goes for Piranhaconda. Like most Syfy movies, the title is as entertaining as it gets.
Granted, there's a subplot about a film crew being kidnapped by mercenaries (one of whom is the Terence Stamp Zod lookalike) but no-one cares about that. “You're just the script girl. Who's going to miss you?” says one character, just before being eaten by the titular Piranhaconda. Well, if their film turns out anything like Piranhaconda, I will definitely miss her, for one. As far as its script goes, it looks like Piranhaconda stopped at the title. I'm increasingly beginning top believe that Syfy movies are written by a committee of bored suits picking their favourite buzz words out of a hat. “Mega... Piranha?” one suggests. “Two-headed... shark” picks another. Most boldly: “Shark... octopus. Sharktopus?” “That's great guys! Let's break for lunch.” Alternatively, that episode of South Park in which it's revealed that Family Guy is written by Manatees? It's exactly the same thing for Syfy movies.
If you ever wondered what the Anaconda from Anaconda would look like crossed with the face of a Piranha (other than stupid) then look no further than Piranhaconda. In another typical Syfy trick, it also stars a couple of semi-washed up celebrities. In this case, we have Michael Madsen and Rachel Hunter. Madsen is a respectable enough cult star, but I don't think I have ever seen Rachel Hunter in anything other than movies I would never watch. She's not the worst thing in Piranhaconda, though. For the twenty minutes or so he's actually in it, Michael Madsen is worse. He may have brought his hat along from Kill Bill, but he forgot his charisma. Genre legend or no, the beige gilet and purple bandana look is not a good one. The movie climaxes with Madsen holding a big egg, gloating with the line “this is gonna make me one hell of an omelette, ha ha ha.” And he actually says 'ha ha ha', which is not technically laughing. At least Jon Voight had the good grace to ham it up for Anaconda. Mostly, the action in the movie consists of pretty young imbeciles running away from Piranhacondas/kidnappers before being killed by the former in a haze of horrible CGI and rubbish gore.
Like all of its predecessors, Piranhaconda is a waste of time and effort. It's not even enjoyable on an ironic level. One day, someone will come along and make a good version of one of these films. This is not that day. Piranhaconda is as bad as it gets.
Video and Audio:
As with most Syfy creature features, the picture is clean and sharp. Shame about the godawful Piranhaconda, though. The music is the film's redeeming feature. “Look out! Look out! I said look out! Piranhaconda!” Although I very much doubt the accuracy of the line “faster than the speed of light”.
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