Ok, so I would to start this off with a disclaimer: I love Richard Stanley and Barbara Crampton. So, this review hurts my heart. Get ready for the uneventful story about trying to stay young forever with Norbert Keil’s latest film, Replace.

Replace is about a young girl, Kira (Rebecca Forsythe), who is losing her memory and her skin is turning white and flakey. It starts off as a dry patch, but slowly takes over her whole body to the point where she is peeling her skin off. I relate to this because how good does it feel peeling off your own skin? Arg, so good! She talks to Dr. Rafaela Crober (Barbara Crampton), who basically just lies to her about having a skin disease. Then we find out that our beautiful young lead is actually an old lady who is trying to stay young. Oh, and at some point, she becomes a lesbian with the girl, Sophia (Lucie Aron), who is her neighbor but also, she works for the doctor and was sent there to befriend her so she could watch her. She was actually sent there by the doctor to take care of her.  There is also a subplot where Kira starts stealing skin from others to replace her own, but it’s lame and they never really explain how she came to this thought. It’s like she woke up and was like, “Stupid doctors, I can solve this problem on my own, I’ll just take the skin from other people and put it on my body and BOOM, recovered. Genius.” This story isn’t great, in fact it’s rather dull I wanted this to be good so bad, but alas not everything works out in life. Especially for me.

Side note: I recently met Richard Stanley at a bar. I have been waiting for this moment for years, he is my hero and all I managed to say was, “Yeah, everything in Australia will kill you!” So, just know that your heroes are always going to be way cooler than you are and I need to curl up in a ball and die. Also, don’t just stare at them lovingly for long periods of time without talking. I got a lot of awkward side eye looks from Stanley.

I wanted Replace to be great. I had such high hopes for this film and just felt let down. The acting from our lead is subpar and her lesbian lover, terrible. It feels like neither were really listening to each other, they were just waiting for the other one to finish talking so they could say their lines. Barbara Crampton is lovely, her character has no depth or originality, but she does amazingly with the hand she was dealt. Because she is lovely and great. Hail Barbara!

Replace is easily forgotten. I’m giving it two stars. One for Stanley and one for Crampton. Watch it and support them but don’t get emotionally invested in this film. Like all your former lovers it will just let you down.