Sandy Hook Lingerie Party Massacre DVD Review
Written by Steve Pattee
DVD released by Global Communications
Directed by Timothy Green Buckly
Runtime - 80 Minutes
Zane Ka as Natasha Regal
Tim Beckley as Mr. Creepo
DiDi Delicious as DiDi
Mellisa as Paula Hook
Mistress Persephone as Dusk
Debbie Rochon as Mona
Tonya Harsh as Barbara Monroe
Jeannene Scofield as Sharon Putterman
Seven strippers take a vacation at the beach to get away from the pawing hands of men. After some wrong turns and a detour, the ladies finally reach their destination and settle in for a much needed rest.
After a day of tanning on the beach and goofing around on the boardwalk, the women buckle down for the night. Unfortunately for the exotic dancers, a hurricane is coming up the shore, but they decide to stick it out, as a few of their friends went out, but have yet to return.
But the hurricane is the least of their worries. There is also the little matter of a killer butchering the women, one by one.
Yes, it’s a short synopsis. But Sandy Hook Lingerie Party Massacre is a cookie cutter formula that should work. Unfortunately, it fails. Miserably.
The main problem is the movie does not know what it wants to be. From the title, my first thought was gratuitous nudity, but, surprisingly, there is relatively little nudity — all things considered. And the nudity that is present is a mishmash of wasted opportunities.
For example, in one scene, B-movie starlet Debbie Rochon (Nikos The Impaler) mentions she is going to take a shower. This should be a good — no, great — thing, because not only is Rochon easily the most attractive of the women, you can’t shower with your clothes on. Well, you can, but no one will enjoy it. So there I was, expecting a long, drawn-out, soapy shower scene in which Rochon washes her dirty, dirty body at least ten times, but she never even makes it to the shower!
Another prime example of missed opportunity was during the scene in which two of the strippers were preparing for bed. Now, everyone knows what happens when you put two women alone in a room (especially during a storm) — massage! And everyone knows what happens after said massage — lesbian sex. But no. One stripper massages the other, then...they go to bed.
At this point, I should have, too. But I held out hope. Maybe this wasn’t one of those movies. Maybe this is going to be story-driven. Maybe this is going to be carried by the acting. Maybe the script is going to shine and make up for the lack of gratuitous stripper nudity.
No, no and no.
The story is old and played. Sometimes a director can get away with rehashing a been-there-done-that story, but not in this case. The story drags on and the killing doesn’t even start until about an hour in. However, I was surprised that the ending, which — while not original — was well done. If the whole movie were as good as the ending, it would be a nice little flick.
The acting was pretty bad, even by low-budget standards. Rochon outshines the rest of the cast with ease, though at times, she looked like she would rather be anywhere else.
The script — if there was one — is horrible. I honestly do not believe there was much of one because there were entirely too many pauses and people talking over each other. Also, some of the lines were so bad, they had to be ad-libbed.
All that said, Massacre has a few redeeming qualities.
The first, as mentioned before, is Rochon. Considering she was competing for the spotlight with at least six other actors most of the time, she stood out in every scene.
Next, Mr. Creepo (Tim Beckley — Driller) was amusing as hell. Every time he was on screen, I just had to laugh because he is such a goof (in the most positive of ways). Beckley’s Mr. Creepo is that guy who hosts “monster movie night” on your local cable channel (in my area, it’s Count Gore De Vol). The difference is Creepo is goofier and he drops the F-bomb. A lot.
Last, but certainly not least, was Dusk’s (Mistress Persephone) boob trick. I have never seen anything like it, and I do believe it was one of the coolest things I have ever seen.
Video and Audio:
The film is presented in 4:3 full frame. The picture ranges from barely passable to abysmal. A combination of bad lighting and grain make portions hard to watch. I usually take the budget into consideration when grading video and sound, but sometimes, there is no excuse. It’s even harder to factor that in when there is no commentary or information on what the movie was shot on or what the budget actually was — which is the case here.
From muffled lows to scratchy highs, the movie does not sound good. However, the soundtrack is pretty decent and the score is not bad, either — although it does get a little redundant.
- Mr. Creepo Interview
The interview is actually better than the movie. Beckley (a reviewer for Hustler, author and concert promoter) gives a good interview and seems like a down-to-earth guy.
The bloopers come in at the end of the credits, but they are as dull as the film.
|– This could have been a better movie if it had decided how to play it.
|– Just plain bad.
|– Too many hisses and pops.
|– A Creepo commentary would have been nice.
|– With all of the problems, I can’t recommend a purchase.
If your video store carries this, if nothing else, pick it up for the boob trick. That alone is worth the price of admission.
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