Shark Killer Movie Review
Written by TGM
Released by Sonar Entertainment
Directed by Sheldon Wilson
Written by Richard Beattie and Sheldon Wilson
2015, 88 minutes, Not Rated
Released on VOD on June, 16th, 2015
Derek Theler as Chase Walker
Erica Cerra as Jasmine
Paul du Toit as Jake
Arnold Vosloo as Nix
Shark Killer, not to be confused with the 2001 cinematic tour de force Shark Hunter starring master thespian Antonio Sabato Jr, is a sub-par low-budget action thriller about a studly shark killer (duh) who is recruited to find a great white that bit the hand off of a guy who was clutching a huge diamond at the time. Paired with his hottie ocean guide, Brock Manslab begins his search for this elusive fish whose stomach holds a prize worth millions. Despite a plot stolen directly from the final five minutes of Romancing the Stone, the concept sounds pretty cool, right? Who doesn't want to see a beautiful girl in a tight wet suit, and a shirtless stud battle thugs and the motherfuckin' mummy (Arnold Vosloo) in a race against time to find this priceless gem lost at sea? Sign me up!
The pacing in Shark Killer is brisk, the acting is serviceable albeit a bit wooden at times, there are some very cool Saul Bass inspired retro opening credits, and ultimately a few decent action sequences. The primary problem with Shark Killer, and most shark related movies these days is that the shark CGI is more atrocious than ferocious. It's a shame, because some of the underwater cinematography is quite good, but the moment an awkward swimming jittery 480p shark stumbles into frame any and all tension built subsequently goes right out the porthole. Thank the gods that Spielberg didn't have access to third rate computer graphics when filming Jaws because you and I both know he would have abused the hell out of that shit like a red-headed stepchild who just scratched your IROC Z28. The fact that Spielberg's animatronic shark also decided to shit the seabed forcing him to take a “less is more” approach is also one of cinema history's greatest blessings in disguise, but I digress.
It is also a disappointment, and a major blow to the film, that the two leads have zero chemistry with each other. I don't think it's for a lack of trying, but Erica Cerra as Jasmine, always looks at Chet Squatthrust like he farted next to her in a closed elevator. It's also annoying that our hero has an aversion to using a gun which perpetually places him in unnecessary peril, but doesn't think twice about throwing a razor sharp shark's tooth into someones god damned windpipe or shooting someone with a fucking mounted whaling spear-cannon. One's hypocrisy only goes so far!
The major highlight of the production is the guy playing the titular character, Dirk Abscock, no wait, Blake Ballsdeep, no, no, Chunk Maxboner, sorry, my bad, it's actually Chase Walker. The actor Derek Theler could easily pass for a long lost Hemsworth brother. The guy possesses some real on-screen charisma, and displays some above average acting chops. If I were Mr. Theler, I'd, well, first I'd bang a ton of hot chicks, then I'd walk around everywhere with my shirt off, but THEN I'd follow Chris Hemsworth around picking up every single rejected script offer that the Mighty Thor himself passes on.
Shark Killer ultimately fails because it doesn't nearly embrace the type of movie it was clearly destined to be. It begs to be an ultra-cheesy borderline Cinemax skin-flick with eye-rolling dialogue, mounds and mounds of bronzed titties, and groan inducing over-the-top action. Think Big Trouble in Little China meets Jaws the Revenge as directed by Andy Sidaris. But, alas, everyone involved in Shark Killer unfortunately decides to play it too safe, and created an instantly forgettable movie that could have otherwise been something quite special if they just listened to the immortal words of Martin Brody who once wisely said, “You're going to need bigger balls.”
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