Splatter University Blu-ray Review

Three years ago, a madman escaped from an asylum, slashing his way to freedom and continuing his bloody rampage at nearby St. Trinians College. Now, newly appointed faculty member Julie Parker is taking over the course for a teacher brutally murdered last semester. The school is run by priests and Julie displays a bit of growing pains on her first day, but vows to do her best to support the approved curriculum. Father Janson is tough but fair in his adherence to the rules and promises to help Julie whenever problems arise. The old priest is in a wheelchair but manages to get around fairly well and seems in firm control of the school. Soon, faculty and students alike begin disappearing, or worse, turning up butchered! Nobody calls the police, so Julie begins to investigate the murders herself.

One of the chief suspects is Julie’s new boyfriend Mark, a fellow teacher who was dating the slain professor last semester. Julie’s students have a lot going on too, with one of them dealing with an unwanted pregnancy. Could one of the classmates be responsible for the killings? A priest teaching on campus could also be responsible for the crimes, as at least one of them has a few secrets of his own. I’m not sure why Julie opts to take this on rather than alerting the authorities, but she is pretty good at putting herself in danger. She remains determined to uncover the mystery and identify the person responsible for the murders and does a surprisingly good job. Let’s just hope her efforts don’t get her killed!

Director Richard W. Haines (Class of Nuke ‘Em High) courts the slasher subgenre for his debut feature Splatter University. By 1984 the formula was well established in terms of stalk and slash movies and Haines incorporates every familiar trope he can manage. An unseen killer makes his way around campus pursuing innocent women with a large knife. The university environment connects the women and it appears no one is safe. Uninspired students are more interested in hanging out and partying than actually learning. Our heroine pieces together the puzzle and must face the killer alone during a climactic fight that will leave one of them dead. It took four writers to concoct this formulaic tale and I am at a loss to figure out how or why.

Infomercial queen Forbes Riley (Death Ring) stars as Julie Parker and gives the strongest performance in the film. She appears sincere in her efforts to figure out what is going on and fills the role of Final Girl nicely. She is instantly likeable as the teacher in over her head facing off against disinterested youth while navigating the conservative rules of the university. Kathy Lacommare is the one standout among the students as Cathy Hunter, the pregnant teen afraid of her choices. The two women share a nice moment together when Cathy approaches Julie for advice. The rest of the cast appears to be enjoying their first time in front of the camera.

Splatter University spills a lot of blood, but the kills are all fairly routine; single stabbings do the job, paired with the victim’s moaning as they fall to the ground. The bloody cutaways are enjoyable for their over-the-top volume, but given the level of special effects work appearing in slasher films by 1984, this is a lesser effort. The movie originally clocked in at a measly sixty-five minutes and it was deemed necessary to add more content to qualify as a feature length film. Rather than add more kills to his picture, Haines opted instead to introduce screwball comedy into the project. This was a dubious decision that undermines the serious tone of the picture, dragging the movie down for pointless throwaway scenarios that exist simply to pad the running time. The film is pretty forgettable except for a surprise twist ending that still holds up well today. Gorehounds are likely already familiar with this title and will want to pick up this new release, but casual horror fans may be satisfied with a rental.