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2017 12 17 The Blessed Ones

The Blessed Ones Movie Review

Written by Ali Chappell

Released by Wild Eye Releasing

The Blessed Ones Poster

Written and directed by Patrick O’Bell
2016, 79 minutes, Not Rated
Released on July 11th, 2017

Dave Vescio as Elyon
Andy Gates as Spencer
Tamzin Brown as Ursa
Jonathan Erickson Eisley as Draco

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I often tell people that if I ever met a cult leader, you can bet your sweet ass that they would convince me to join. I’m very susceptible to this kind of thing. That’s why free samples at Costco work so well on me. However, if I met Elyon (Dave Vescio), I can honestly say there is no chance in hell he could convince me to join his cult, at all, and I once agreed to letting someone taser me if they ever got into a position where they had a taser. Totally gullible. I didn’t eat canned tuna for like five years because I thought it was made from dolphins. I believe things quite easily and I honestly believe that this dude could never convince me to join his “cult” if he paid me to do it. I also regret telling everyone that I thought canned tuna was dolphins, it says on the label that it’s tuna. C’mon Ali. Get your head in the game.

Ok, whatever, here is the plot for The Blessed Ones. There’s a doomsday cult in the dessert. Two people try to escape as the mass suicide happens. Trouble ensues. Are you feeling like you have already seen this? Probably because it is literally the plot of every cult film. The acting is not great and that sucks, but I totally believe it’s based off the script and the direction. I know that Alex Essoe is really good, but her talents aren’t showcased in this film, which is regrettable because movies about cults are awesome, they portray a sense of family and love while also feeding us some crazy mind control and direction in our lives. I don’t need to watch clips from your crappy home movies for an hour. I don’t even do that with my family. Also, the filmmaker brings in characters that do nothing for the story at all. Example, the random topless blonde girl with the tattoos. She has no point whatsoever except to show off her really lovely naked body. Overall, it’s just plain uneventful.

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I won’t hate on an indie film for being low budget. I get it. We are all poor. However, what you lack in money you can easily make up for with a better script, better actors, and get a cinematographer and color grader who can make a film look great and not like some high school student’s Instagram story. I feel like I’m watching a movie made by film students who don’t fully now how to edit but tried their best to get a passing grade. Remove all those grainy filters and you might have something that doesn’t look half bad.

I basically just dropped my pants and took a steaming dump on this movie and for that I am sorry. Patrick O’Bell, if you ever find yourself in Toronto, let me buy you a beer. I feel like after this review I kind of owe it to you. I’ll even let you win at billiards but probably not, this isn’t a date.

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Movie: 1 Star Rating Cover
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About The Author
Ali Chappell
Staff Reviewer - Canada
Ali Chappell grew up in a wholesome Canadian family that embraced her love of horror at a young age, which allowed her to become desensitized towards its violent nature. She has a several degrees, including business, a triple threat theater degree and is currently working on her third in the field of archaeology. On top of being a writer and an avid horror fan, she is also a yoga teacher, archer, tarot card reader, in the midst of planning her first heist and still enjoys the bright life of being a struggling actress. When she isn't traveling the globe, she is usually found hiding in a movie theater hating the world and everyone in it. However, she is also very optimistic and cheerful and hopes one day Joe Dante will notice her (so she can stop obsessing over him, it's getting kind of weird).
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