The Green Inferno Blu-ray Review

Adolf Hitler, Bernie Madoff, Osama Bin Laden, Martin Shkreli, and Khloe Kardashian steal $10.7 million dollars from an orphanage for blind children with AIDS, lease-to-own a purple PT Cruiser, travel cross-country blaring Michael Bolton while stopping at every public restroom with the sole intent of shitting on the seats, taking time out only to routinely gang rape your grandmother tied up in the trunk, eat the last remaining stack of Pringles, tend to their over-sized clip-on man-buns, and spoil the ending of Star Wars: The Force Awakens to anyone with working cochlea.

STILL MORE LIKABLE than the group of whiny hipster eco-activist bitch-baby protagonists in Eli Roth's abysmal The Green Inferno.

The last sticky bowel movement I took after eating at Chipotle had more of a complex plot. A bunch of dead behind the eyes millennials pack up their iPhones and enough henna tattoos to tide them over until they arrive in the Amazon rain forest to protest an evil logging corporation! Boo capitalism!  After chaining themselves to some trees and getting selfies posted on social media, they fly back to their trust funds. But wait! By some gracious act of God, the plane that these human turds in the punch-bowl are flying in crashes even deeper into the forest! Yay! Soon they are found by an indigenous tribe, blow-darted, and systematically slaughtered and made into human jerky. Just for added shock value, one of the older women of the tribe uses a phallic shaped rock to check to see if any of the surviving ladies are virgins. In one of the more unbelievable plot points in The Green Inferno, they actually find one. Eventually, the douchebags turn on each other, one commits suicide by slicing her throat with a broken terracotta bowl, another is skinned and covertly fed to the gang, another is torn apart alive limb from limb, and still another is fed to large fire ants.  If you're pissed about the spoilers, don't be.  I just gave you 101 minutes of your life back.  Merry Christmas.

Clearly this is Eli Roth's homage to the Italian cannibal genre of the ‘70s and ‘80s, such as The Mountain of the Cannibal God, Cannibal Ferox, Eaten Alive!, White Slave, and of course, Cannibal Holocaust. Unfortunately The Green Inferno comes across as a parody of these films, with Roth leaning more towards Uwe Boll than Umberto Lenzi, with uninventive kills, surprisingly (relatively) reserved gore, a paper thin plot, lack of a single character to care about, and wooden acting on par with those awkward dating video testimonials on Love Connection. Hey Eli, be back in two-and-two, and as Iron Man once said, you never go full Boll.