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The Shadow Walkers Movie Review

Written by Karin Crighton

Released by Bayview Entertainment

the shadow walkers poster large

Directed by Mark Steven Grove
Written by Dave Hodel and Mark Steven Grove
2006, 91 minutes, Rated R

Starring:
Jason Coviello as Reeve
Jennifer Summers as Julie
Clay Adams as Clay
Cortni Mullin as Leiko
Rebecca Gibel as Emily

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Review:

Deep underground in a secret bunker, pseudo-military personnel are working on a formula for super soldiers. Their work with steroids leads to a breakthrough – with terrible consequences. Their creations viciously hunt down the doctors and security forces as they attempt to navigate their way through the subbasement. But can they survive the twists, the turns, and each other as they race to the escape hatch?

The Shadow Walkers is currently streaming on Tubi, so I took this opportunity to invite my sister to view along with me and borrowed some of her insights.

Karin: “Oh good they killed off the extraneous characters.”

Kristin: “Kill them all.”

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2005 was a very different time; we were watching a wild array of movies: XXX State of the Union, Hitch, King Kong, to V for Vendetta, Serenity, and Batman Begins. I point that out only to say I understand that 2005 oscillated between including strong female characters and women with no lines but visible nipples. The Shadow Walkers falls right into the middle, trying to do both. The result is cringeworthy movie made in 2006 that wouldn't see the light of day in 2020.

Firstly, there is no reason to like anyone in this film. The writing feels like a third draft when it needed five. The characters are loosely constructed tropes with no personalities other than “kinda bitchy”. Lead Jason Coviello is given a chance to show off his impressive stuntman skills, but other than fighting the so-called Shadow Walkers, he’s given nothing to do. All women save Julie (Jennifer Summers) are set decoration or talking lingerie.

Kristin: “All the music is a stupid choice.”

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Have you ever had a friend force you to listen to a great song, but they hounded you so much you still don’t like the song? The Shadow Walkers does that with Marillion. After starting the cold open with an eerie instrumental score, you’re forced to listen to an entire second song from the band for credits. It feels interminable, which is a fair prelude for the rest of the film.

Kristin: “There’s so much monotone.”

Despite a journey across the basement to find a tunnel out, nothing particularly happens. The characters don’t grow or learn or get any nicer. Neither does the acting, unfortunately. You could drive a bus through the pauses between lines and edits. It stilts the flow of the movie to a hobbling crawl, each scene more forgettable than the last.

There’s no one to root for, no imagination in the plot, awkward and amateurish sexual scenes, and no reason to watch this movie.

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Grades:

Movie: .5 Star Rating Cover
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About The Author
Karin Crighton
Staff Writer | Lunatic
Karin doesn't know anything about movies, but has a lot of time and opinions to yell into the void. When she's not directing plays in and around NYC, she's watching every horror movie on every streaming service. And probably talking to a cat.
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